April 4, 2005 my dad was taken to the hospital. I was leaving to go to my next door neighbors for the night and he wouldn’t wake up so I could tell him bye. I don’t remember being scared. Today, it scares me so bad just to think about it. As I was getting ready to go to sleep, I heard an ambulance. I peaked out the window when my next door neighbor yelled “SHUT THAT! It’s time for bed.” I had no clue it was for my dad. It didn’t even cross my mind. God protected me from so much! Like the fact that I was at my next-door neighbors’ house on a school night who go to a different school than me. It made no sense but God knew. This year around the same time that night, April 4, I was in a house surrounded by the presence of God and my sweet friend Rochelle. I could not have asked for a better April 4 night remembering how great is my God! Nine years ago the next morning, April 5, I was at school when I just had a sudden urge to call my dad. I went into the counselor’s office and called him at the hospital. Never knowing that would be the last time I heard his voice. April 5 this year I got to worship my Savior all day with some of my favorite people and I got to hear God’s voice through Rochelle. And today nine years ago, April 7, I walked into my dad’s ICU room. He had been sedated all of April 6 and he was waking up. He had a feeding tube coming out this way and a breathing tube coming out that way. He opened his eyes and pointed to me. My mom proceeded to tell him it was me and she told me to talk to him. I told him it was me and waited for him to say something back. He pointed to his eye, pointed to his heart, and pointed to me and that was the last time my dad told me he loved me. He used to chase me around the house, he was the one eyed tickle monster. He used to tell me he loved me more than snot and all he could do now is use his hands to tell me the three most important words a dad could ever tell his little girl. Today, as I have fallen in love with my Jesus all over again, I sat on this rainy day completely basking in my Heavenly Father’s love for me. His love is all that I will ever need.
Sometimes life won’t make sense. The heartache and the pain might never go away. I will always miss my dad. You will always miss whoever you are missing. It’s okay to miss them. It doesn’t make you weak. God gave us relationships, He gives us love! If someone does not love, He does not have the love of the Father in them. Clearly we are to love. Love brings missing. This week will always be hard for me. You will always have hard days. No matter what I encounter. No matter what you encounter. It doesn’t get easier, but with time I believe God allows you to get better at the new normal for your life. I talk about my dad a lot. He was a huge part of my life. He is a huge part of my life. I don’t let circumstance change that. It hurts to have missed out on so much as a middle schooler, high schooler, and now college student without my dad. But Jesus came to set us free and now it is finished! He came to set our heartbreak free! He came to set our ashes free! He came to set our hell bound destiny free! It is finished! Tetelesti! There is nothing else to be done! He set us free! We are free to hurt. Jesus hurt. Jesus wept! We are free to weep! Mourning may last for a night but joy will come in the morning! We are set free to hurt but it is finished and we will wake up to a brighter day! More is coming!!! There is more! You were made for more!! You will always hurt but you will always have joy when you have Jesus! Jesus is joy! Jesus is the best! Don’t miss out on being free! It is finished!
Here is a link to a song written for this past weekend’s conference Called To Be Free! “Break all the chains that bind us! Take all the pain inside us and make our hearts brand new! Break all the chains that bind us! Take all the pain inside us and make us look like you!” We Are Free by Kortnie Heying